Mommy Don't Play That

Given the plethora of bad parenting advice available as of late, I've decided to write my own book. Trust me- the priceless parenting tips and tricks are plentiful. See below for a sneak peak.

Chapter 1: Acclaimed Child Rearing Tactics
Tactic #2: Mommy Don't Play That

It's so important to understand the fine line between friend and parent with your kids. Don't distress diligent mommies, just remember Mommy don't play that. This is an imperative component of any mother's arsenal. It's the perfect way to show your kids that you are hip, while simultaneously conveying your disapproval.

For example, you walk in the room and find your child watching some new show that's "all the rage" but it's completely tasteless. If, before you shut off the TV or change the channel you say "ohhhh helllls nah. Mommy don't play that." (while doing the Z snap*) it softens the blow.

If you really mean business, pucker your lips and roll your neck. Your child will walk away from the situation, not upset, but in awe of the contemporary nature of his/her mother's parental devices. This works at least 20% of the time.

*How to properly execute a Z Snap: take your finger and snap 3 times as you make a Z in the air

Chapter 16: Wisdom for Generations of the Future
Societal Misconceptions and the profound truths of life.

Myth #1: Diamonds are Forever.
Truth: Diamonds are by no means forever. Sex tapes however, are.

Myth #2: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Truth: Beauty is in the eye and sometimes in the blood alcohol content level of the beholder

Myth #3: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Truth: Prozac Laughter is the best medicine.

Myth #4: Love is Blind
Truth: Love is not blind. It's just quiet. Love still sees cellulite and beer guts.

Myth #5: Money is the Root of All Evil
Truth: Democrats money are the root of all evil.

Rest assured this blog post is complete fiction and nonsense. :)